Skinny

This crave to be skinny is disappointing. I'm not this. I'm all about body acceptance, fat acceptance, curves, and being healthy.
I want to be healthy skinny.
No that is bullshit, I just want to be skinny. I used to be and then I had a kid and I cannot seem to shed this weight, the fat, the curves. Everyone tells me "oh you are so pretty, you are so sexy...blah blah blah."
So...my body is not for you, it's for me. I want to be skinny, very fucking skinny. I'm at the point where I don't care how I get there. Now do I have the tolerance to abuse myself like that? We'll see. We can hope I won't be stupid enough to abuse my body for perfection.
I'll just continue hating my body, wishing I could shed my skin like a snake. But that's a stupid thought...snakes shed their skin when they get bigger. If I am going to shed like a snake I'm going to get bigger.
I haven't eaten all day and my stomach is growling and feels empty. If I close my eyes I feel small, but I look down and I see the rolls, I need how my fat pushes out, how my dress lays over it.
If I could look how I feel I think I would feel better.
This is not a cry for compliments, which I know no one is going to believe me. I call myself a model and I will post photos of me, must mean I like my body and it is skinny.
Nope. It's not skinny. Remind me to post a photo of my body...
I model and post photos as a way to help me love my body. I want to love my body but I can't yet.