Thursday, April 14, 2011

Trying to fit in when I don't want to fit in

Even when it is accidental.
I hate myself for fitting in to the normal world. I look like I do. On the outside Aunna and I are husband and wife. The whole world doesn't know she is transgender. Since she looks male, we must be straight. Since we have a kid we must be starting to live the dream. Who's dream?
So am I making myself odd just to not fit in? To fit in with the freaks? Of course how I dress is a choice, but is how I act entirely my choice? I'm to shy to function sometimes. Or am I just making myself shy? I don't think it's a choice. I try really hard to make friends, to join conversations, and when I had a job...I tried to make friends at work so it would be easier to want to go to work.
But I didn't make friends. I would spend my breaks alone (and at this job the department I worked in all of us took our breaks at the same time) It wasn't from a lack of trying...I'm happy with the friends I do have. But still...the many times I got sick so I couldn't go to work...was it in my head or was it my body's defense? I do fake sick so I can avoid Aunna's family functions. I can't be around her whole family. Lately I have been honestly getting I tricking my body or is my body understanding that I can't go to that party so it gives me a reason to stay home?
How is it that I can go to concerts with hundreds of strangers and feel fine? Is it because I get something out of it? I get something out of work, I get a pay check. Then why can't I get myself to keep a job?
I want to function normally.

Sometimes I feel that the person I am is fake and that I feel like a copy. These feelings and my experiences matches everyone else around me. I feel like that is why I cannot talk honestly about my feelings. I'm just another one of those depressed girls...or god forbid, another one of those Emilie Autumn fans. I didn't choose depression, I can tell you that. I do try to be happy but telling myself to be happy doesn't really work like that. I wish it did.
I didn't choose to be sexually abused. No one chooses that.
I don't think I chooses to be so awkward but maybe it is a learned behavior. How do I unlearn it? Can I unlearn it? Trying isn't working any more.

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